Thursday, May 21, 2009

My Family's Potrait

My hands are shaking right now for I'm about to touch on a very touching subject matter..Divorce... parents are divorced..i know I'm not the only one out there..I never felt comfortable nor love talking about this but it's about time i let go of some shit that i have been holding in my chest..I don't know how to say it out for it's has never been easy for me to write about personal issue like this since the day it started them all..

I'll start by saying i was never the same kid again since 1998..i was only 9 years old when lightning strike me with this nonsense shit. I was watching TV and i don't quite remember what occured the fight..but suddenly i saw my mum and dad yelling and screaming at each other like 2 wild animal..i saw them scolding each other with all sort of gibberish, they were shouting and fighting right before my eyes..i was only eyes was flowing with tears....

I have never seen my parents fight like that before in my whole life..mum was pointing finger at dad, dad was throwing furnitures around the was a nightmare that I'll never forget..all i did was sitting there, staring lifelessly as each of my parent screaming at each other's faces...the whole house was so loud, i won't be surprised if my neighbours heard it..every seconds it went on, it gets worse and worse..neither one of them will stop yelling and the worse part is that my sister was in the picture, she and me got drag into it..she didn't know what was going on but all the sounds around her had frighten her more.. she was only 3...

Dad went out to the front gate and mum keep talking back at dad, and they start arguing again outside the house..there's nothing i could do but do sit and listen to all this shit that will tear my hear asked me to pack my bag and go with him, mum say don't go..all i feel like doing is cry, all my mind was saying is "how can this be happening", but all i did is..nothing..i couldn't do anything, i was paralyzed by the things that I'm seeing..nothing has prepared me for this..and i was never the same kid again..i don't quite remember how long it went on but i couldn't sleep at night. I know this was the shit that caused the marriage to fall apart..and i was only 9...

I study suck, exams result starts to fails..i start thinking about death..i wonder why i was even born in the first place..that wasn't the only night i remembered mum and dad fought..i remember one time as i was sleeping in my own room, mum went into her room, as soon as she went in, dad start yelling at her for hitting my sister..i was shock awake...listening to that again, reminds me back to the day i first saw they scared me so much, i couldn't even sleep..Another time, dad create shit for the family again..didn't want to eat mum's cook and blaming me for bullying my sister when i didn't..i stood up and almost wanted to hit my dad in the face..i was this close to ever come to hitting my own father..

Mum and dad has stop talking to each other ever and sis got drag into the picture too..i was torn into a million shattered pieces that can never be glued back..i don't know if my sister remember anything or not..but i feel sorry that she got involved too, if i knew about this ,i wouldn't have protected her from all this..Mum and dad don't celebrate anniversary no more, don't celebrate Valentine Day no more..and i never got the chance to know how mum and dad meet each other, but frankly i don't want to know at all now..i just couldn't bothered anymore..sigh..

Sometime i'll feel jealous of my friend's parent, because their parent are at least talking to each other, make me wish i have parents like that too..but all i have are bad memories, i don't recall a single beautiful happy moment with my parent..smiling or loving each other that kind of moment were not photographed in my mind..i was still young when all this moment were still around..

It has been 11 year since that day..mum and dad are like strangers in a home where your dad and mum won't even look at each other during's difficult..growing up in this shit is even fucking nonsense..everyday hoping that they will talk for a while or something..but no..first thing that came out from their mouth are bad words. Me and my sis are the only children in my family tree with a divorce.. it's saddened me..a lot..Some night i couldn't even sleep because all i keep thinking about is's killing me..this will haunt me for the rest of my life..