Sibling Rivalry

Why does 2 people who lived in the same house fight..why does sibling always fight..why would God made me then made me another someone to create conflict with me..why would God put a snake and a pig to become sibling..why would God want blood shred to happen between a brother and a sister..why rivalry..

My guess would be because 2 people spend so much time together that lighting and thunder is bound to collide every now and then..the thing is..why must it happen..why can't it just skip that colliding part and just continue..I guess divorce is kinda the same reason why it happened..2 people spending too much time together, especially a Venus and a Mars..shit is just gonna take off..

Me and my sister just got into a fight not too long ago..this shit will last a few days to cool off..I'm a snake and she's a pig..see the terrible irony? The Chinese saying says that snake and pig are mortal enemies, and out of all the animals, the snake ends up wit a pig for a sister..why did it happen..of course something like..everything happened for a reason will be the response if you ask. I guessed maybe because my dad is a dog and my mum is a dragon..therefore i suffered the same fate..Dog and dragon are also mortal enemies according to the Chinese.

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Secret Girlfriend

I have this weird feeling back in 3 years ago and just now the same feeling occured again..It's a feeling that is hard to feeling and yet at the same time disturbing to tell and horrifying to know..You know the feeling when deep down somewhere and somehow you know your instinct is true but sometime you wish it wasn't..but yet it is..this is one of those moment..

I believed that my father has a secret girlfriend, now i called it secret because he never tell me about it, not because he's cheating behind my mum's back, they divorced..so he's a free bird..There is no confirmation about this, but i can just feel it..underneath my skin, inside my vain, within my bones, flowing through the blood..I just have a weird feeling about this..

You know how i think it's true, just now not too long ago, my dad posted some girl picture he knows on Facebook saying " My Beautiful Babe " Now will any normal guy randomly called a girl beautiful babe for no reason other than he's interested in her..exactly my point..this is what makes me feel like my dad has a secret girlfriend that i think only his friends knows about..Here's go the true and false possibility here..

True..if it's true..i don't know if i can accept it..i mean how would you feel if one day you find out your dad secretly has someone else in his life that you're not aware of..and suddenly out of nowhere, it comes out..can you handle it? I don't know if i can, I'm not saying i absolutely can't..just don't know about it. False..if it's false which i highly doubt so then it's ok..everything neutral then..

This whole thing is a bit weird for me, the only thing I'm wondering now is..if he met her 9 years ago..could she be the reason the marriage failed..

I bet most of y'all viewed this post because of the title ain't it..y'all thought was about me..

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Fatherly Love

My car has arrived, finally..it's clean and white and new and it's mine..So i went back on Saturday to learn how to drive again, brushing up my skill. But once i got into the car i panic, suddenly i realized that i don't know how to drive an auto car and i panic..

My father shouted at me, scolded me for not being able to drive and yet want to drive to work, i felt hopeless and disappointed in myself, i felt so weak that a simple thing like driving, i can't do it anymore..I can't even reverse a car out, I just don't know why, i just lost my ability to control a car..

Then my father sat next to me and guide me again through the basic, learning everything again, and i could drive again, though maybe it's because i need more pratice, it's been 4 years since i have my license, and i have never literally drive any car since..except for that testdrive earlier this year..

But then i realized this is the first time me and my dad have spoken for so long..this is the first time that i remember that me and my dad have so much to talk about, we have never spoken so much to each other before, if we were script, we'll be about 2 sentences long, period.. We talk all the way from Subang Highway back to Melaka, in the car while testdriving and on the way back to Subang again..

Even before i had my car, i had a feeling that this car of mine can bring help me get closer to my dad, and it did..i had never ask anything i don't know from this man before, homework, clothes, studies..this is all mum's work.. I have to be fucking grateful to have a father like him, i don't know the relationship between him and his father but what i got now with him, i'm fucking grateful..

Despite i blame my father for the destruction in his marriage and towards the family, i love him every much as i did back when i was young..It never changed, it might have gone away, but it always came back..

I hope when i have a family of my own sometime, i hope to be at least half the father he was to me..I love you dad..

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Absence Feelin'

I realize that ever since 3 years ago when i first came to Subang Jaya to pursued a Diploma in Creative Multimedia, ever since that first step i stood on Subang's dirt..i have been missing out in a lot of quality time with my parents..

As much as it sounds like it's a process of growing up and moving into adulthood, i hate it..Though i've never really say it out till now, i've always shown the expression of it..at least i know i have..It's the feeling of missing out in the picture frame, like suddenly it just feels like you were never there in the first place, unknown existence all of a sudden..

The longer i linger in Subang, the more i'm missing out on..not to mention, the farther time goes on, the more i realized i can never have anymore family time with my parents, because by then, i'll be working already..

I've never been the type of guy that likes to move away too far from his house, i always likes to glue to my mum, i've always like to know that if i need any transport i can rely on dad and now..I'm moving away from all these, not to say that i can't be independent but just the feeling of not being able to talk or see your parents most of the time is kinda hard for me, this is why i get home sick easily..

Sigh, there's nothing i can do but to realize the fact that time is showing me sign that communicating through cellphone or email is the only way now..i don't want it that way..

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Nothin' To Say

I feel kinda sad for my own father and son relationship, me and my dad, like father like son and we ain't got nothing much to say to each other. I feel bad for my dad because at times it just feels like nobody in this house has anything to say to him..Me, my sister and my mum are babbling here and there, talking about all kind of shit while my dad's lip stay still.

First off, I love my dad very much, though i don't say it to him and he don't say it back, i never let anything come between me and my daddy..I'm his little boy and he's the best dad i can ever ask for, my dad try to spoil me rotten all the time when i was young but i will always have a little consideration for his money so i never get too carried away..Since i was young my dad will buy me anything i want, it's his way of showing me how much he loves me, he will go as far as stealing it for me if certain item is not for purchase, my mum always tell him to stop buying so much junk for me, but he never listen..he's stubborn..like me..and i want to grow up to be just as stubborn as he is because he's my dad..

Since my parent's divorce, i feel like my dad got left out in this family, we got nothing to say to him and he doesn't have anything to say either, i personally don't like that despite i do it all the time, like for example in a car, me in the passenger seat and my dad on the driver seat, the radio will be the one doing the talking, and we just let that be our mouth as it drive us back home..I know that most and son or daughter relationships are like that, since the father has to go to work, he'll be absence for the whole afternoon, since then the children start to grow fonder with their mother and eventually the father gets left out of his kids life..That's the story of every father, that's the story of my father..

Sometime i wish i have something more to say to my dad, silence don't always have to be golden, let communication be diamond once in a while..our conversation are around 2 to 3 sentences at best, it's pathetic..i don't want that. I know it has been a habit between for the past 20 years and my dad is not a very open man..probably due to the way he was brought up but i just wish we could talk a little more.

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Parents Think They Know Best

You know what i hate the most..is when someone just decide to do something for you without even bother to tell you first..it's not like it's so hard to open that little lips and say..whatever it is that they're gonna say. My parents love doing that to me, they just wouldn't bother to tell me before they go off running around signing me to this shit and that..

I never ask for any of this nonsense, because they're smart asses, they think they know what's best for me. The phrase of "mum knows what's best for their children" yes, it's true..but that doesn't mean they can simply put your name in all kind of stupid activities before even bothering to tell you first..what's wrong with these people..

My mum should to do that all the time, she would just sign me for this and that without my permission, i mean i get to choose whether or not i want to participate on it or not..She used to sign me up for swimming classes here and there, drawing classes here and there..the best part is she have already paid for the first class when she sign me up. Again, i fucking repeat..i never ask for all these..I just hate it when someone, anyone do this to me, don't do something for me when i never ask for it.

Let's take the swimming class for example, i specifically say i don't want to take the class, but yet she still sign me up, next thing i know i'm the only boy in the pool who is not a female, who is not over 40 and who is not overwieght..it's like swimming in a pool where fat from the human body are just floating around in it, i feel like i was swimming with oil.

My dad just told me that he had a driving instructor for me to practice my driving again tomorrow, guess the fun part, he paid already..and here's the sweet part, he never bother to tell me at all, he's just "oh, tomorrow 9.30, driving practice with some instructor"..Fuck who says i want to practice my driving tomorrow? nobody..again, it's dejavu all over fucking again..

Am i being ungrateful? i don't know how can i be ungrateful when i was force to participate in all these unwillingly..They could have tell me first but they chose otherwise..does parents know what's best..they think they know what's best..It's not what they do that pisses me off, it's not telling me first that gets on my nerve..

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I Don't Look Like

Either one of my parents..holy crap, I'm adopted..my real parents are still out there somewhere, probably still awaits for me to realize someday maybe one day that I'm not these people's kid..Seriously, why don't I look like my parent at all, part of resembling..nowhere to be found..

Maybe y'all can see the resembling, I don't know..if you do notice anything, tell me..

P.S..my mum will probably skin me alive if she found out that i say i'm adopted and not hers..she'll probably bring up the story about the days where she suffered through unthinkable labor pain to birth me..women~

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Monster

During Chinese New Year, i heard news that one of my uncle, father's side..beats his son to the max, literally what i called abusive hit..

I didn't really ask much about it, i just pray for him to be safe, away from him and hopefully find a better place to live in. I was really shock when i found out there was another Chris Brown in my family, except this one beat his kids too. I don't know much, in fact i don't know nothing at all, all i can say is that I've known this uncle of mine long ago, though i have not seen him for years now..have always been the troubled one in the family.

The only thing that my mum told me is that he beat his son so badly that he was laying down on his own blood..I don't know if he just beat one of more of his kids, whatever it was, this is not correct, this is brutality. There's a lot of ways to teach or guide a kid, but beating him to near death is not one of them..I felt like whatever the child did wrong, as a parent, we are supposed to teach and educate them, not kick the shit out of it..My cousin is about 16 right now, still a teen, still learning through mistakes, still growing up and still falling down..of course i really don't see how unnecessary violence fits into the picture.

This of course got me thinking..since me and my dad both have quite a anger when pissed off..since anger lives in my vein too because I'm my father's son too..will i be able to avoid this, will i be able to not walk into the same path as my father or my uncles? How will i know exactly..I've been pissed off quite badly over some small matters before, released ugly anger over something that can handled like civilized people..I'm sure after y'all read this, I'm gonna get a lot of "you're not your father, you are you.." of course this won't work when suddenly shit happened and you're ticked off..we tried to avoid becoming those who we hate, yet we still become them..

I always say i don't want to be exactly like my dad, i mean i want to be the good part of him but not the bad, how sure am i specifically? I always say i want to be better than my old man..but I'm all talk, not yet experiencing it yet..so how sure am i, what if i going to be almost like him in the future..the question remains..Like i said many times before, my dad is not a terrible father, he's a great man, he tried his best to be one, but the anger is always the thing that make me despite him sometime..

So how can i avoid being a monster..

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Like Father, Like Son

A lot of time i spend thinking about me and my dad..if y'all has read my post about my dad about a few month ago, y'all should know the relationship between me and my dad, if no, then here i go again..

Me and my dad are really almost the same person, that's why it's called like father, like son, right..i mean the relationship between us is really no words to describe it..
...because there's really no words between us..me and my dad hardly talk or have anything to say to each other..we always almost always talk about the same stuff, then after 2 line of conversation, it ends there..i wonder why almost all relationship between father and his children are like this?

I realized how i am like my dad is like this, both of us loves to spend unnecessary money as soon as we get them, like the moment my dad got his money from clients, he would spend ridiculous amount of it on stuff, like stuff that costs a lot, u know( use your imagination) and me, i remember the moment i got my first salary, i went to buy an Xbox360( sold already)..see, instead of saving it, both he and I love spending it..so we are quite a big spenders..

Me and my dad hate talking to people we find bloody annoying yet still living with them..dad=mum, me=apartment owner. Seriously i realized both me and my dad give the same expression to these people, we just don't talk to them and hate talking to them and hate listening to them talk..it's scream bloody murder for both of us. My dad and my mum are divorce so there's no need for explanation there, me and my faggot owner are like mentos and coka-cola, put us together, one of us will kill the other..explosive battle will occur..

Both me and my dad have some really spontaneous sense of humor, like we will just make jokes out of the blue, jokes that no one see coming..but my dad's jokes is short and stay IN the zone while mine is sarcastic and sometime tend to get OUTSIDE the zone..i have not hear him joke for a long time already..

Both me and my dad have anger management, really, no kidding..i have seen some of my dad's worse behaviour, and he ain't even need to get drunk to do that, like if he turn into Hulk, furniture will fly, Neighbour will hear, shit will break, mouth will curse and other..with my case, shit will break, attention will gather, i will yell, i will hit( except women), mouth will curse..sigh, but neither of us have reach to the point where we kill, stab and hit any women..This is actually one part of me that I'm trying to get rid of, but sometime trouble just comes looking for me, you know..it's tragic.

It's hard to say everything, but at times i do feel like my father..wonder if he feels like his father when he's my age..

My Family's Potrait

My hands are shaking right now for I'm about to touch on a very touching subject matter..Divorce...

yes..my parents are divorced..i know I'm not the only one out there..I never felt comfortable nor love talking about this but it's about time i let go of some shit that i have been holding in my chest..I don't know how to say it out for it's has never been easy for me to write about personal issue like this since the day it started them all..

I'll start by saying i was never the same kid again since 1998..i was only 9 years old when lightning strike me with this nonsense shit. I was watching TV and i don't quite remember what occured the fight..but suddenly i saw my mum and dad yelling and screaming at each other like 2 wild animal..i saw them scolding each other with all sort of gibberish, they were shouting and fighting right before my eyes..i was only 9...my eyes was flowing with tears....

I have never seen my parents fight like that before in my whole life..mum was pointing finger at dad, dad was throwing furnitures around the house..it was a nightmare that I'll never forget..all i did was sitting there, staring lifelessly as each of my parent screaming at each other's faces...the whole house was so loud, i won't be surprised if my neighbours heard it..every seconds it went on, it gets worse and worse..neither one of them will stop yelling and the worse part is that my sister was in the picture, she and me got drag into it..she didn't know what was going on but all the sounds around her had frighten her more.. she was only 3...

Dad went out to the front gate and mum keep talking back at dad, and they start arguing again outside the house..there's nothing i could do but do sit and listen to all this shit that will tear my hear apart..dad asked me to pack my bag and go with him, mum say don't go..all i feel like doing is cry, all my mind was saying is "how can this be happening", but all i did is..nothing..i couldn't do anything, i was paralyzed by the things that I'm seeing..nothing has prepared me for this..and i was never the same kid again..i don't quite remember how long it went on but i couldn't sleep at night. I know this was the shit that caused the marriage to fall apart..and i was only 9...

I changed..my study suck, exams result starts to fails..i start thinking about death..i wonder why i was even born in the first place..that wasn't the only night i remembered mum and dad fought..i remember one time as i was sleeping in my own room, mum went into her room, as soon as she went in, dad start yelling at her for hitting my sister..i was shock awake...listening to that again, reminds me back to the day i first saw they fought..it scared me so much, i couldn't even sleep..Another time, dad create shit for the family again..didn't want to eat mum's cook and blaming me for bullying my sister when i didn't..i stood up and almost wanted to hit my dad in the face..i was this close to ever come to hitting my own father..

Mum and dad has stop talking to each other ever since..me and sis got drag into the picture too..i was torn into a million shattered pieces that can never be glued back..i don't know if my sister remember anything or not..but i feel sorry that she got involved too, if i knew about this ,i wouldn't have protected her from all this..Mum and dad don't celebrate anniversary no more, don't celebrate Valentine Day no more..and i never got the chance to know how mum and dad meet each other, but frankly i don't want to know at all now..i just couldn't bothered anymore..sigh..

Sometime i'll feel jealous of my friend's parent, because their parent are at least talking to each other, make me wish i have parents like that too..but all i have are bad memories, i don't recall a single beautiful happy moment with my parent..smiling or loving each other that kind of moment were not photographed in my mind..i was still young when all this moment were still around..

It has been 11 year since that day..mum and dad are like strangers now..living in a home where your dad and mum won't even look at each other during dinner..it's difficult..growing up in this shit is even fucking nonsense..everyday hoping that they will talk for a while or something..but no..first thing that came out from their mouth are bad words. Me and my sis are the only children in my family tree with a divorce.. it's saddened me..a lot..Some night i couldn't even sleep because all i keep thinking about is this..it's killing me..this will haunt me for the rest of my life..