Ugly

Yesterday was with Marcus at lakeside and we get the talking about socializing with other people and he say i'm an anti socialist..which i did not denied..i admit..i don't like to social too much with new people..

Reason being that there is a lot of reason behind it..I just have no self esteem anymore, i just don't feel comfortable in my own skin, i just don't have any confidence in myself, so in contrast to these personality..i avoid all possible human contact to avoid feeling like uncomfortable..

When i was working, i would chose to eat alone rather than eating in a group..I remembered back then when i was having my intern in KL..i chose to eat by myself for the first 2 months, only about the last few weeks there that i feel comfortable enough to eat together with my colleague..and i make them believe that i don't eat lunch, and when they ask why..i'll just say i'm not that hungry..

Switching to the present now, at my working place..i still chose to eat alone by myself..I try once eating along with them, i felt like awkward. Everybody was speaking Cantonese and i couldn't understand most of it, so i stay quiet there for half an hour..you'll never see a more quieter version of me since the dawn of civilization..

Bringing you back to the main source of the story, it all happened when i was in high school..and there was this girl that i liked [i don't know why i did]..after letting her know how i feel..all she can say is "why would i like you, you're ugly and not cute also" and i felt hurt of course, then she invited me to a party of hers, i stupidly went along [ i don't know why again] i went and to my shocking surprise, the reason she invited me was because she want to show her relatives that i was the "ugly guy" that likes her, and i felt and i became a laughing stock of a night..i went home and look at the mirror..i never felt more uglier..

From that day, i stop trying to socialize with new people because i'm always afraid that someone somewhere is laughing at me, talking something about me, commenting about me..i just don't want anymore of that night..so i chose to be by myself most of the time. I just lost my whole self esteem that day, so i believe that i'm bound to meet people that i'm meant to meet with, the others extra people is optional..if i meet them life still goes on, if i don't..i still wouldn't give a rat ass concern about it.

Don't tell me that i don't socialize..tell me why should i socialize with you in the first place..

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